I look out this window watching…
As time and life go by.
Hour by hour,
Day by day.
Who am I,
I wonder silently.
I am missing life.
I miss waking up and feeling like each day is mine to live.
Am I depressed or stagnant?
I think It’s time for change.
Her cries filled the night air, as they always do, night after night.
By the time he got to her she was shaking and shivering with her knees to her chest and the pain within unmistakably displayed on her face. “Quiet my darling I am here now, the beast is gone”, he soothed. Somehow she found no comfort in his words, no peace in his embrace. She knew the beast would be back, the beast always came back. Night after night the beast came to take her away and she feared one day she wouldn’t be strong enough to stay, strong enough to look evil in the face again. No one knew how she felt, no one, or how empty their comforts were. No matter where she went the beast found her. She always felt the evil lurking near, feared it would never leave.
As night fell again she found herself searching every corner of the room, waiting. Then a familiar feeling came upon her, she knew the beast was here, somewhere in the darkness. “I know you are here” she said aloud at last. “I am never very far” the creature replied as their eyes met. “Leave me be” the woman begged. The creature scoffed at such a request. She trembled now as she was face to face with evil. Her eyes studied every detail of the creatures face, never lacking in beauty. She was a monster who inflicted pain only to dull her own.
“You are a monster” she finally spoke. “No my dear” she saw her mouth forming every word in the mirror “we are a monster”. Every pain, every horror and every moment had made her this. She needed the beast to survive, the witch who erased her pain every moment she gave into the beast she was free. Every innocent soul she captured and consumed keeping the creature there, but also keeping her safe. She needed this. So she sat at the window in the tower and began to sing her lure, the beautiful melodic voice filling the woods. Until the moment came, another brave knight unknowingly caught in her snare. She smiled and let her hair down for him to climb, up up up to his impending doom.
After she had crushed him and emptied his soul from its fleshly casing he disappeared, as they always do and the creature was satisfied, she was satisfied. She was a monster and she knew it. She began to cry and the beast left once again. Soon her Prince would be back, but she knew even he was afraid of her. How would she ever be free….
Some days I feel like my three year old daughter is the hardest level (the big boss) in a video game. Can I clean the mess hurricane Addie made and also simultaneously prevent her from further destruction? And go……
Even if I successfully scrub acrylic paint out of the carpet (after scrubbing expensive cleaner into it for an hour….It feels like a victory…..but I still lose, because I turn around and she has scattered toys and clothes and (crackers?) a food trail everywhere. Another hour of cleaning. Don’t get me wrong I love her, but today I wish I could duck tape her to the wall just for a five minute reprieve.
Motherhood is the most frightening and interesting hood I have ever been in.
God what have we become,
But empty shells,
Within love once dwelled.
“Be yourself” they say “and everyone will like you”. The truth is…..that is a straight up lie. You should indeed be yourself, but the truth is not everyone will like you, in fact there will always be someone who doesn’t like you.
In honesty, I am okay with that, I am the same me all of the time. I am a lot of things good and bad and the people who matter accept those things (What matters is I like myself). I am not perfect and I have made my share of mistakes, but I own them. If you don’t know me, take the time to or don’t make ignorant and inaccurate statements.
Be yourself and people may not like you, but as long as you stay true to who you are…..who gives a fuck.
I am me, I am flawed and imperfect and I am proud.
I take things in stride, but continuously unresolved issues eat at me. I am at a stand still and I am unsure, I don’t like uncertainty. I really need to think hard and make sure I use wisdom. What is the right decision. Am I over thinking things. Ugh. My mind and stresses are brewing up a blend of overwhelming. I need a reprieve from my own crowded head.
I feel the ache rising up in me. I miss him. He will be one soon…..God how time flies. I feel healed and then the slightest thing pulls and reminds me of the hole his absence has left behind.
Mothers are not made to have to live without their babies, then I remind myself this was my choice, for him. I am going to see him soon, hopefully, the very thought fills me with such joy, but yet such agonizing pain.
This kind of pain isn’t the kind you share, people get upset and uncomfortable by it. Life isn’t black and white, it’s the different shades that leave us in different places. How are any of us to judge another for their life or actions? Unless you have lived their life, you simply cannot, not unbiasedly. If I saw a woman running through the street naked, I would have judgemental thoughts, but if I found out she had just been raped and was escaping her attacker it would fit and make sense….do you see what I am saying? Don’t paint a picture when you don’t even know what the scenario looks like. Stop being judgemental and trying to see things through the way you would handle it, take off your rose colored glasses and open your eyes, see the whole picture.