I look out this window watching…
As time and life go by.
Hour by hour,
Day by day.
Who am I,
I wonder silently.
I am missing life.
I miss waking up and feeling like each day is mine to live.
Am I depressed or stagnant?
I think It’s time for change.
God what have we become,
But empty shells,
Within love once dwelled.
“Be yourself” they say “and everyone will like you”. The truth is…..that is a straight up lie. You should indeed be yourself, but the truth is not everyone will like you, in fact there will always be someone who doesn’t like you.
In honesty, I am okay with that, I am the same me all of the time. I am a lot of things good and bad and the people who matter accept those things (What matters is I like myself). I am not perfect and I have made my share of mistakes, but I own them. If you don’t know me, take the time to or don’t make ignorant and inaccurate statements.
Be yourself and people may not like you, but as long as you stay true to who you are…..who gives a fuck.
I am me, I am flawed and imperfect and I am proud.
I take things in stride, but continuously unresolved issues eat at me. I am at a stand still and I am unsure, I don’t like uncertainty. I really need to think hard and make sure I use wisdom. What is the right decision. Am I over thinking things. Ugh. My mind and stresses are brewing up a blend of overwhelming. I need a reprieve from my own crowded head.
I feel the ache rising up in me. I miss him. He will be one soon…..God how time flies. I feel healed and then the slightest thing pulls and reminds me of the hole his absence has left behind.
Mothers are not made to have to live without their babies, then I remind myself this was my choice, for him. I am going to see him soon, hopefully, the very thought fills me with such joy, but yet such agonizing pain.
This kind of pain isn’t the kind you share, people get upset and uncomfortable by it. Life isn’t black and white, it’s the different shades that leave us in different places. How are any of us to judge another for their life or actions? Unless you have lived their life, you simply cannot, not unbiasedly. If I saw a woman running through the street naked, I would have judgemental thoughts, but if I found out she had just been raped and was escaping her attacker it would fit and make sense….do you see what I am saying? Don’t paint a picture when you don’t even know what the scenario looks like. Stop being judgemental and trying to see things through the way you would handle it, take off your rose colored glasses and open your eyes, see the whole picture.
I am very excited to be stepping into this new season in my life. Things have been very hard for me lately, but finally things are starting to turn around for me. I am thrilled. I feel so blessed and lucky! I am so grateful for all my blessings and the people who have been there for me. A lot of hard decisions ahead, but I know I am on the right path and all this struggle will not be in vain. I am ready! Words cannot express how happy and just blessed I am feeling.
A cruel beast,
But only one remains.
She tries not to love him,
To hold back,
She still feels the same.
If you look close enough,
Etched in her heart,
is his name.