I feel the ache rising up in me. I miss him. He will be one soon…..God how time flies. I feel healed and then the slightest thing pulls and reminds me of the hole his absence has left behind.
Mothers are not made to have to live without their babies, then I remind myself this was my choice, for him. I am going to see him soon, hopefully, the very thought fills me with such joy, but yet such agonizing pain.
This kind of pain isn’t the kind you share, people get upset and uncomfortable by it. Life isn’t black and white, it’s the different shades that leave us in different places. How are any of us to judge another for their life or actions? Unless you have lived their life, you simply cannot, not unbiasedly. If I saw a woman running through the street naked, I would have judgemental thoughts, but if I found out she had just been raped and was escaping her attacker it would fit and make sense….do you see what I am saying? Don’t paint a picture when you don’t even know what the scenario looks like. Stop being judgemental and trying to see things through the way you would handle it, take off your rose colored glasses and open your eyes, see the whole picture.
A cruel beast,
But only one remains.
She tries not to love him,
To hold back,
She still feels the same.
If you look close enough,
Etched in her heart,
is his name.
He knows me,
He’s seen me when i’m weak,
Held me when I screamed.
I feel as though i’ll wake,
This only a dream.
A few days ago I said goodbye to my mother as she moved back to New Zealand. My heart was sore at her for being so selfish and I was quite mad, but no matter how I felt she still went.
She will not be here for my daughters first day of school, my wedding, my birthday, or to see my first house, or the birth of my children. The truth is, hidden deep within my anger, is pure hurt. Once again she put a man before her children. My heart cracked when I picked my three year old up from her father’s and she stated “I miss Nona” after she asked where Nona was and I had to tell her “She lives far far away now baby, and she went home”.
It is her life and I want her to be happy, but seeing her go to be with a man who is physically abusive to her is quite hard. It broke my heart. Deep deep down I am terrified the next time I will see her is when she’s being put in the ground, for that mother fuckers sake I hope not.
In the end I love my mother, she has not always been there for me, but she gave me life. We fight more than anything else, but I will miss her terribly. It is so hard to watch someone make such a huge mistake and to know it may cost them their life. I love you Momma, please be careful.
(My sister, my mother and I)
My love for you will never fade away,
Like the things my heart tries,
But cannot say.
Like our scars,
Will always remain.
I saw him today….It was harder than I thought it would be, to be honest, BUT I can feel the healing inside of me. He is so beautiful and sweet and I am grateful to see him with such a loving family.
My heart still aches for him but I know he is EXACTLY where he belongs and even though it is hard to see the good in all this, feeling those little hands on mine reminds me that even though this whole thing has been a nightmare (and nothing short of that), a beautiful little miracle has brought so much joy to so many people.
He is not my son, I am finally coming to grips with that, he was made and at first I thought it would tear me apart but instead it has made me stronger. I really didn’t think I could make it through all of this, but I am so blessed to have a supportive select few and God and I simply do not care what judgement anyone else has…. I am strong and I think that in time I am going to be okay.
My heart aches again,
nothing seems to silence it.
I ache for things I cannot have,
I ache for things that cannot be.
The night is filled with my pain and misery,
I long to silence my screams,
God please stop these haunting dreams.
I cannot feel,
I cannot heal.
This pain is so raw,
so very real.