A few days ago I said goodbye to my mother as she moved back to New Zealand. My heart was sore at her for being so selfish and I was quite mad, but no matter how I felt she still went.
She will not be here for my daughters first day of school, my wedding, my birthday, or to see my first house, or the birth of my children. The truth is, hidden deep within my anger, is pure hurt. Once again she put a man before her children. My heart cracked when I picked my three year old up from her father’s and she stated “I miss Nona” after she asked where Nona was and I had to tell her “She lives far far away now baby, and she went home”.
It is her life and I want her to be happy, but seeing her go to be with a man who is physically abusive to her is quite hard. It broke my heart. Deep deep down I am terrified the next time I will see her is when she’s being put in the ground, for that mother fuckers sake I hope not.
In the end I love my mother, she has not always been there for me, but she gave me life. We fight more than anything else, but I will miss her terribly. It is so hard to watch someone make such a huge mistake and to know it may cost them their life. I love you Momma, please be careful.
(My sister, my mother and I)
My heart aches again,
nothing seems to silence it.
I ache for things I cannot have,
I ache for things that cannot be.
The night is filled with my pain and misery,
I long to silence my screams,
God please stop these haunting dreams.
I cannot feel,
I cannot heal.
This pain is so raw,
so very real.
“You know who” he said and all of a sudden the realization hit me there’s only one persons name no one dares to speak to me. Only one. He who shall not be named. He is not a bad person nor has he ever wronged me, But his name causes me great pain. You see it reminds me of the darkness waiting….waiting for me to fall so it can catch me at a moment of weakness to confuse and consume me, just his name brings me to that place.
I fight his memories, I fight the happiness and sadness that comes creeping up hand in hand to torment me. His smile, I have never seen it yet i see it every night in my dreams, I long for his touch, for his love….for him….. I LOVED HIM. People act like I must not but God I love him, the ache his absence has left is a nagging at my soul. I barely knew him but yet I knew him best…..I shaped his tiny perfect body inside my own. It’s funny because the same decision that brought me to this dark place is what brought and continues to bring him the greatest joy and happiness. It’s so bittersweet. But in the end if you TRULY love someone their happiness is all that matters. And I love you James. One day I hope you see it for what it was LOVE, because I never stopped loving you….not for one single minute and as my heart aches and threatens to be my undoing…. I think of you.