My heart aches again,
nothing seems to silence it.
I ache for things I cannot have,
I ache for things that cannot be.
The night is filled with my pain and misery,
I long to silence my screams,
God please stop these haunting dreams.
I cannot feel,
I cannot heal.
This pain is so raw,
so very real.
This is a hard post to write, but it is one I have wanted to write for a long time, this is a deeply personal post, BUT I hope it gives someone else who has experienced it hope and strength, you are not alone.
His eyes are what I remember most through the haze, as he took something he had no right to take. He was a coward to prey on me in such a vulnerable situation. It is hard to remember every detail, but I remember his eyes… and I remember what he did to me, I even remember what he said when he was done with me, the disgusting coward, who had to prey on me when I was secluded and at a time I was weak. I remember how helpless I felt, in that moment, how vulnerable and weak I felt with him on top of me….inside of me, I felt sick to my stomach and used, but most of all I felt violated to my core. It’s hard to come back from that and for a long time I thought he took a peice of me that day, every time I would wake up crying and have to run make sure I had locked the door again, or when I couldn’t sleep in the dark anymore because fear consumed me, BUT he didn’t take a peice of me, me giving into that fear was giving him that place in my life. I still have to lock my door and hate the dark, but I AM NOT AFRAID, not afraid of a coward. That day didn’t show me I was weak, INSTEAD it showed me my strength, my strength to fight, no matter the odds, my strength to fight for myself, to pick myself up and peice myself back together. I will never let someone’s stupidity and their mistakes make me question myself ever again.
People can say whatever they please about me, it means nothing to me, they can keep their whispers and their pity, because I am strong and if I can get back up from that, I can handle anything. I AM NOT AFRAID. Life is not always painless, but it can be so beautiful, you just have to push past the bad and put in the work. I could sit around and mope and feel sorry for myself about alot of things OR I could stand tall and fight for myself, for my dreams and wants…I choose the latter. Circumstances DO NOT DEFINE you, only you define you, your life and your legacy are yours to paint, do not be afraid, and when life knocks you down, because it will, you remember this… it doesn’t matter how long it takes you, all that matters is that you get back up. AND YOU CAN.
You left me here,
What comes next?
I have no clue.
It encompasses me.
What to say,
What to do,
No one knows but you.
Where have you gone to?
The person that I used to be,
the person that i used to know.
I feel like I will never really know.
Every drop an echo and reminder of the searing pain, as each tear rolls down my face it feels like a flood of memories has followed close behind…. and I wonder “Will it ever not feel like this?!” ? I want so badly to not love you anymore, if that’s what it takes to satisfy this torment inside me James,but I can’t…I just can’t do it…..I can’t let you go….I can’t get you out of my damn head.
I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT.
I loved him from the very first moment I saw him on that screen, in the doctors office, so tiny and dependent on me and we bonded over late sleepless nights filled with taco bell and whataburger. Every kick felt like precious stolen moments between he and I. I was so sick in the beginning and being pregnant is hard enough, but having a baby with a man you aren’t dating let alone married to makes the journey that much harder. Sometimes I felt so alone but then I realized I had the greatest gift growing inside of me.
Finally it came, I awoke to my underwear soaked and it was game time…and i was terrified. The entire ride to the hospital i felt so afraid of the next few hours not just the pain but the loss and i understand the birth of your child is not viewed like this but you see…he was different….he wasn’t mine. I actually have an almost three year old daughter and I saw her disappointment when her daddy didn’t call, when we would try to hide the fighting and when i alone held her as she cried for him. I didn’t want my son to hurt so through a heartbreaking search i found the perfect mother, a woman from my own past in fact. As a teenager whose life was so very far from normal, I had seen what great parents she and her loving husband were, I had spent many a night wishing they were MY parents but little did i know the irony that was later to be found in that.
Back to the present though (Remember it was game time ALL SYSTEMS GO!). The labor was, surprisingly, the easiest part. She was there with me supporting me, as she always has before, despite my many disappointing choices, and as she comforted me I knew my son would never be alone, never hurt like i did as a child, never feel the pain of a broken home and a broken life and that, from that moment to this has been what keeps me from sinking into the depths of the darkest waters. I was so scared to hold him, scared i would never be able to let go, never be able to live without him. And as i got in my car to go home from the hospital, I felt that pull, that pain trying to draw me back to him, my womb was empty and in that moment it felt like so was I. When i see him it’s still joy tinged with pain, there’s NEVER a moment that’s not bittersweet, but HE IS HAPPY (I find comfort in that) and in the end that’s what counts. I will never forget him and i don’t think it will ever not hurt but every day I find myself again little by little and in time I will be able to look past my own grief and fill that place with his joy and by God’s grace I think i’m gonna make it.
If you read this thank you for listening and I hope it changed your view on adoption as it did mine, it is not selfish as i always thought but instead…It is beautiful.