Flicker and Fade,
It isn’t supposed to be this way.
Back and forth,
blown out torch.
Repeated promise of change.
Time to re-evaluate .
Dare to try again?
Some fires can’t ever be truly tamed.
I am very excited to be stepping into this new season in my life. Things have been very hard for me lately, but finally things are starting to turn around for me. I am thrilled. I feel so blessed and lucky! I am so grateful for all my blessings and the people who have been there for me. A lot of hard decisions ahead, but I know I am on the right path and all this struggle will not be in vain. I am ready! Words cannot express how happy and just blessed I am feeling.
I saw him today….It was harder than I thought it would be, to be honest, BUT I can feel the healing inside of me. He is so beautiful and sweet and I am grateful to see him with such a loving family.
My heart still aches for him but I know he is EXACTLY where he belongs and even though it is hard to see the good in all this, feeling those little hands on mine reminds me that even though this whole thing has been a nightmare (and nothing short of that), a beautiful little miracle has brought so much joy to so many people.
He is not my son, I am finally coming to grips with that, he was made and at first I thought it would tear me apart but instead it has made me stronger. I really didn’t think I could make it through all of this, but I am so blessed to have a supportive select few and God and I simply do not care what judgement anyone else has…. I am strong and I think that in time I am going to be okay.
I search to my depths,
How far do you reach?
I try to forget,
But without you,
I am incomplete.
Well…writing has always been my outlet, even before I actually let people read it.The difficulty of this past year, all the pain, really is why I started this blog (My decision, to give the baby I carried up for adoption). This last year has been…. one of the hardest years of my life, it really has, so much pain and then loss, many obstacles to overcome. Writing has been such a comfort to me and a coping mechanism. To be honest I felt so lost for quite awhile, but I found myself again in my writing, found a way to feel but release all that bottled up pain. Really my writing has given me back my purpose. I hope you guys have enjoyed reading and journing through this emotional experience with me. No matter what caused me to start blogging again, I am so glad I did. Taking life day by day, learning to stop and smell the roses again.
As my 23rd birthday quickly approaches I find myself facing issues way beyond my years, as always really , but I have lived a very unusual life filled with many obstacles and issues most don’t ever have to face let alone at the young ages I did. I find myself looking deep into the waters of self reflection and seeking out the answers to life, really trying so desperately to (re)find who I am/was and where my next steps should be. Life has thrown me some pretty wicked curve balls recently and I might have played a part, maybe even unknowingly thrown a few my own way with life’s hypothetical boomerang. Who knows really. I thought I had it figured out and my life was steadily headed in the right direction (HA!).
All I know is this I have so many things to be thankful for and this heaping pile of nonsense life keeps surrounding me with is just another set of obstacles to overcome and once I do ,I will be stronger for it. Empowerment comes from within and I am too strong of a person to let anything keep me down. Real strength is not the ability to keep from being knocked down, but rather when you search deep within yourself and find that push to get back up again, no matter how many times you fall, trip or get knocked over. I just wanna say that if you are reading this I hope it inspires you to look within yourself and seek change and growth, we should always be growing, anything alive is always growing, sometimes we are just too caught up in the big things we forget the little things have impact as well, an entire garden comes from a handful of seeds! So stop sitting around waiting for growth, invoke change, water, prune, uproot the weeds and do all the other things necessary for you to thrive and flourish in life! So if you wanna throw some positivity or nuggets of wisdom my way I always have my glove up to catch them. HAVE A SIMPLY SPECTACULAR DAY.
It’s funny really right when i think i have things “figured out” or a solid plan life throws me a wicked curve ball. No matter how prepared for it you think you are….YOU NEVER ARE.
I am at this place where I want to travel, I want to see the world and i wish there was a way i could get paid to go travel. I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVE ABROAD. I want change…I guess really it’s that I NEED change. I don’t want to be one of those adults who let their dreams die as they embrace their new menial routine life.