Category Archives: pain

Beauty and the beast.

Her cries filled the night air, as they always do, night after night.

By the time he got to her she was shaking and shivering with her knees to her chest and the pain within unmistakably displayed on her face. “Quiet my darling I am here now, the beast is gone”, he soothed. Somehow she found no comfort in his words, no peace in his embrace. She knew the beast would be back, the beast always came back. Night after night the beast came to take her away and she feared one day she wouldn’t be strong enough to stay, strong enough to look evil in the face again. No one knew how she felt, no one, or how empty their comforts were. No matter where she went the beast found her. She always felt the evil lurking near, feared it would never leave.

As night fell again she found herself searching every corner of the room, waiting. Then a familiar feeling came upon her, she knew the beast was here, somewhere in the darkness. “I know you are here” she said aloud at last. “I am never very far” the creature replied as their eyes met. “Leave me be” the woman begged. The creature scoffed at such a request. She trembled now as she was face to face with evil. Her eyes studied every detail of the creatures face, never lacking in beauty. She was a monster who inflicted pain only to dull her own.

“You are a monster” she finally spoke. “No my dear” she saw her mouth forming every word in the mirror “we are a monster”.  Every pain, every horror and every moment had made her this. She needed the beast to survive, the witch who erased her pain every moment she gave into the beast she was free. Every innocent soul she captured and consumed keeping the creature there, but also keeping her safe. She needed this. So she sat at the window in the tower and began to sing her lure, the beautiful melodic voice filling the woods. Until the moment came, another brave knight unknowingly caught in her snare. She smiled and let her hair down for him to climb, up up up to his impending doom.

After she had crushed him and emptied his soul from its fleshly casing he disappeared, as they always do and the creature was satisfied, she was satisfied. She was a monster and she knew it. She began to cry and the beast left once again. Soon her Prince would be back, but she knew even he was afraid of her. How would she ever be free….

Shades of Bethany

I feel the ache rising up in me. I miss him. He will be one soon…..God how time flies. I feel healed and then the slightest thing pulls and reminds me of the hole his absence has left behind.

Mothers are not made to have to live without their babies, then I remind myself this was my choice, for him. I am going to see him soon, hopefully, the very thought fills me with such joy, but yet such agonizing pain.

This kind of pain isn’t the kind you share, people get upset and uncomfortable by it. Life isn’t black and white, it’s the different shades that leave us in different places. How are any of us to judge another for their life or actions? Unless you have lived their life, you simply cannot, not unbiasedly. If I saw a woman running through the street naked, I would have judgemental thoughts, but if I found out she had just been raped and was escaping her attacker it would fit and make sense….do you see what I am saying? Don’t paint a picture when you don’t even know what the scenario looks like. Stop being judgemental and trying to see things through the way you would handle it, take off your rose colored glasses and open your eyes, see the whole picture.

The complicated creature.

I am indeed a complicated creature, in my defense however my multifaceted personality is what makes me so much fun to be around and I am told my bubbly, upbeat, sarcastic and daring personality is quite infectious. I simply refuse to not follow my instincts and heart, sometimes one more than the other.

I had a boyfriend tell me once that my carefree nature was both his favorite and least favorite quality of mine, which always intrigued me. He loved my personality, but then he felt disposable in my life so he tried to cage me up, comparing it to trying to capture a wild mustang.

I know I am complex and easygoing making myself a walking contradiction in almost every way imaginable. All of this to say I have spent my entire life being told I am too loud, not lady like enough, a bitch, weird, too sarcastic, cruel, unfeeling, too spontaneous, too high strung… so many things. The point to all of this is just be yourself, if you are happy and not causing harm to yourself or others then why not? Life is too short to try to be something you are not, it’s too short not to live every moment
like you’ll never get a second chance, because the truth is you may not. Be yourself, be true to yourself and the ones you love and be happy, and if you aren’t happy make the changes in yourself and your life to become happy.
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Goodbye Momma

A few days ago I said goodbye to my mother as she moved back to New Zealand. My heart was sore at her for being so selfish and I was quite mad, but no matter how I felt she still went.

She will not be here for my daughters first day of school, my wedding, my birthday, or to see my first house, or the birth of my children. The truth is, hidden deep within my anger, is pure hurt. Once again she put a man before her children. My heart cracked when I picked my three year old up from her father’s and she stated “I miss Nona” after she asked where Nona was and I had to tell her “She lives far far away now baby, and she went home”.

It is her life and I want her to be happy, but seeing her go to be with a man who is physically abusive to her is quite hard. It broke my heart. Deep deep down I am terrified the next time I will see her is when she’s being put in the ground, for that mother fuckers sake I hope not.

In the end I love my mother, she has not always been there for me, but she gave me life. We fight more than anything else, but I will miss her terribly. It is so hard to watch someone make such a huge mistake and to know it may cost them their life. I love you Momma, please be careful.

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(My sister, my mother and I)

I am Bethany, I am scarred, I am beautiful.

    The thing about love ….. it is quite complicated and there are so many facets. Mainly, I guess, because there are so many  forms of love. Love can cause us the greatest pain or the most overwhelming joy, it is such a powerful emotion. It has the power of life (when two people come together as one in love and create a child) and death (if someone tried to harm my daughter I would without a second thought protect her, just by instinct).

Love always peaks my curiosity. So many people think they have found it because someone buys them flowers and tells them they are beautiful, that is insulting because love is so much deeper than that. Love sees past every flaw, heals every wound, it ties you to another person and you cannot help yourself but to feel what they feel, every high and every low. Love is when you walk in on your husband with another woman and feel your heart stop beating and hit your knees, not just because of what you see, but because you aren’t angry, you are heartbroken.

Love isn’t a game. “Love is like coming home after a long trip”, that is so true.

It took me a very long time to learn to love myself, as a bubbly person I have extreme highs and lows, every partner not quite understanding or annoyed with my mood swings. People constantly telling me what and how I should be. The thing is love doesn’t do that, doesn’t mean there don’t have to be changes from time to time, but instead it means that they accept every peice of you, not just looking past your perceived flaws but loving your quirks and helping you work past your hurts, seeing your scars and seeing your beauty altogether.
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