The complicated creature.

I am indeed a complicated creature, in my defense however my multifaceted personality is what makes me so much fun to be around and I am told my bubbly, upbeat, sarcastic and daring personality is quite infectious. I simply refuse to not follow my instincts and heart, sometimes one more than the other.

I had a boyfriend tell me once that my carefree nature was both his favorite and least favorite quality of mine, which always intrigued me. He loved my personality, but then he felt disposable in my life so he tried to cage me up, comparing it to trying to capture a wild mustang.

I know I am complex and easygoing making myself a walking contradiction in almost every way imaginable. All of this to say I have spent my entire life being told I am too loud, not lady like enough, a bitch, weird, too sarcastic, cruel, unfeeling, too spontaneous, too high strung… so many things. The point to all of this is just be yourself, if you are happy and not causing harm to yourself or others then why not? Life is too short to try to be something you are not, it’s too short not to live every moment
like you’ll never get a second chance, because the truth is you may not. Be yourself, be true to yourself and the ones you love and be happy, and if you aren’t happy make the changes in yourself and your life to become happy.
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A fucked up Birthday.

It wasn’t all bad but it got there pretty fast. I am so tired of people and their judgements and rude comments and flat out lies. I am not perfect, even I can admit that, but I am a good person and if you have my love that means for life, through good and bad, hard or easy, you can call me at 4am when you get a flat and I will be there.

Open your eyes. You can say what you please about me but have the balls to not be full of shit and to not cause people hurt to make yourself feel better. You are weak and PATHETIC.

Goodbye Momma

A few days ago I said goodbye to my mother as she moved back to New Zealand. My heart was sore at her for being so selfish and I was quite mad, but no matter how I felt she still went.

She will not be here for my daughters first day of school, my wedding, my birthday, or to see my first house, or the birth of my children. The truth is, hidden deep within my anger, is pure hurt. Once again she put a man before her children. My heart cracked when I picked my three year old up from her father’s and she stated “I miss Nona” after she asked where Nona was and I had to tell her “She lives far far away now baby, and she went home”.

It is her life and I want her to be happy, but seeing her go to be with a man who is physically abusive to her is quite hard. It broke my heart. Deep deep down I am terrified the next time I will see her is when she’s being put in the ground, for that mother fuckers sake I hope not.

In the end I love my mother, she has not always been there for me, but she gave me life. We fight more than anything else, but I will miss her terribly. It is so hard to watch someone make such a huge mistake and to know it may cost them their life. I love you Momma, please be careful.

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(My sister, my mother and I)

I am Bethany, I am scarred, I am beautiful.

    The thing about love ….. it is quite complicated and there are so many facets. Mainly, I guess, because there are so many  forms of love. Love can cause us the greatest pain or the most overwhelming joy, it is such a powerful emotion. It has the power of life (when two people come together as one in love and create a child) and death (if someone tried to harm my daughter I would without a second thought protect her, just by instinct).

Love always peaks my curiosity. So many people think they have found it because someone buys them flowers and tells them they are beautiful, that is insulting because love is so much deeper than that. Love sees past every flaw, heals every wound, it ties you to another person and you cannot help yourself but to feel what they feel, every high and every low. Love is when you walk in on your husband with another woman and feel your heart stop beating and hit your knees, not just because of what you see, but because you aren’t angry, you are heartbroken.

Love isn’t a game. “Love is like coming home after a long trip”, that is so true.

It took me a very long time to learn to love myself, as a bubbly person I have extreme highs and lows, every partner not quite understanding or annoyed with my mood swings. People constantly telling me what and how I should be. The thing is love doesn’t do that, doesn’t mean there don’t have to be changes from time to time, but instead it means that they accept every peice of you, not just looking past your perceived flaws but loving your quirks and helping you work past your hurts, seeing your scars and seeing your beauty altogether.
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Emotional psychosis

     LOVE… **cue the fireworks and the symphony**. Love is a disease that plagues us all from time to time, touches our lives if you perfer, and as I sift through wordpress blogs it tends to pop up. Love always intrigues and sometimes inspires me to my depths, I don’t like corny crazy stupid love BUT I do like hearing about/reading/witnessing true acts of love.

Love is beautiful and untouchable, well true love is, you can see it on a mother’s face the first time she sees her sweet freshly squeezed newborn child, love can make people do crazy things, it truly changes you. Unless you have ever loved so deep, you simply cannot understand.

No matter who it is, your child or significant other, love is when your soul connects to, seeks safety, refuge or makes it’s home, inside of someone else. It changes you to your very core. The struggle of this last year has taught me a lot about love and about myself really. All this to say, love is complicated and it doesn’t always end well, trust me, but it and every experience it brings is life alteringly beautiful.

Enjoy the journey and fight for the things and people you love.

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