Category Archives: men

Prince Charming

As did most women, I fell into the trap of believing some buff, smooth talking stud was going to ride up (in a suit )on a Harley, and take me for the ride of my life called love. Ha. NOPE. Turns out I like nerdy awkward guys anyways…..the ones you can watch Star Wars or The Avengers with, ya know, the ones who realizes that sometimes you just want to wear a batman shirt and panties ALL day Saturday (Don’t judge me).

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Well I ended up pushing away and hurting a lot of good (really mostly crappy guys), BUT before you mark me down as a man slaying bitch just know….they just weren’t IT. I simply do not believe in settling, even when everyone around me said I should, being proposed to twice and not just being overcome by “woman instincts” and screaming yes  without even thinking somehow makes everyone act like you are hard to please or being picky…..REALITY CHECK: I just knew those men were not the man to take my breath away or adoringly love me. When you ask a man why he loves you and he responds “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen”……you kind of piece together the fact that he is a shallow D bag, you can quote me on that actually, and you are an idiot for dating him. Come on! What about my kick ass personality dummy? Anyways…. let’s move forward.

I have gone through a lot this past year and have handled my love life, and inevitably i’m sure a few other things as well, poorly to say the least, BUT even though things are in a strangeish place I am telling women(and men too) now DO NOT SETTLE, no matter how long you have been dating or how nice they are NEITHER OF THOSE MATTER when it comes to true happiness, those do not compare to being in love (finding your soulmate if you will)….that goes beyond comparison. It is not just the hopeless romantic hidden deep within me that SOMEHOW always finds it’s way out no matter how deep I bury her! I will never give up on him. My prince charming and I will live happily ever after and we may just drive off on that Harley into the sunset! You never know. :]

 

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Pay attention pigs.

As a lady in general, and being curvaceous makes it worse, I have noticed men stare at me. Not only do they stare, sometimes they whistle and on occasion they bark….yes you heard me right. Today a man barked at me.

I got out of the car today to get my new phone set up and saw two gentlemen, or so I thought, staring at me. I, of course, was NOT impressed by their crude comments or trashy demeanor, but then one of them barked and I was disgusted and a little confused as to why he thought I would be interested. MEN DISGUST ME. Maybe treat a lady like a lady? Or do us both a favor and don’t speak to me at all, don’t acknowledge my presence and, for the sake of your dignity, do not bark at me….. class dismissed.

Goodbye Momma

A few days ago I said goodbye to my mother as she moved back to New Zealand. My heart was sore at her for being so selfish and I was quite mad, but no matter how I felt she still went.

She will not be here for my daughters first day of school, my wedding, my birthday, or to see my first house, or the birth of my children. The truth is, hidden deep within my anger, is pure hurt. Once again she put a man before her children. My heart cracked when I picked my three year old up from her father’s and she stated “I miss Nona” after she asked where Nona was and I had to tell her “She lives far far away now baby, and she went home”.

It is her life and I want her to be happy, but seeing her go to be with a man who is physically abusive to her is quite hard. It broke my heart. Deep deep down I am terrified the next time I will see her is when she’s being put in the ground, for that mother fuckers sake I hope not.

In the end I love my mother, she has not always been there for me, but she gave me life. We fight more than anything else, but I will miss her terribly. It is so hard to watch someone make such a huge mistake and to know it may cost them their life. I love you Momma, please be careful.

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(My sister, my mother and I)

I am Bethany, I am scarred, I am beautiful.

    The thing about love ….. it is quite complicated and there are so many facets. Mainly, I guess, because there are so many  forms of love. Love can cause us the greatest pain or the most overwhelming joy, it is such a powerful emotion. It has the power of life (when two people come together as one in love and create a child) and death (if someone tried to harm my daughter I would without a second thought protect her, just by instinct).

Love always peaks my curiosity. So many people think they have found it because someone buys them flowers and tells them they are beautiful, that is insulting because love is so much deeper than that. Love sees past every flaw, heals every wound, it ties you to another person and you cannot help yourself but to feel what they feel, every high and every low. Love is when you walk in on your husband with another woman and feel your heart stop beating and hit your knees, not just because of what you see, but because you aren’t angry, you are heartbroken.

Love isn’t a game. “Love is like coming home after a long trip”, that is so true.

It took me a very long time to learn to love myself, as a bubbly person I have extreme highs and lows, every partner not quite understanding or annoyed with my mood swings. People constantly telling me what and how I should be. The thing is love doesn’t do that, doesn’t mean there don’t have to be changes from time to time, but instead it means that they accept every peice of you, not just looking past your perceived flaws but loving your quirks and helping you work past your hurts, seeing your scars and seeing your beauty altogether.
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Fight for yourself.

This is a hard post to write, but it is one I have wanted to write for a long time, this is a deeply personal post, BUT I hope it gives someone else who has experienced it hope and strength, you are not alone.

His eyes are what I remember most through the haze, as he took something he had no right to take. He was a coward to prey on me in such a vulnerable situation. It is hard to remember every detail, but I remember his eyes… and I remember what he did to me, I even remember what he said when he was done with me, the disgusting coward, who had to prey on me when I was secluded and at a time I was weak. I remember how helpless I felt, in that moment, how vulnerable and weak I felt with him on top of me….inside of me, I felt sick to my stomach and used, but most of all I felt violated to my core. It’s hard to come back from that and for a long time I thought he took a peice of me that day, every time I would wake up crying and have to run make sure I had locked the door again, or when I couldn’t sleep in the dark anymore because fear consumed me, BUT he didn’t take a peice of me, me giving into that fear was giving him that place in my life. I still have to lock my door and hate the dark, but I AM NOT AFRAID, not afraid of a coward. That day didn’t show me I was weak, INSTEAD it showed me my strength, my strength to fight, no matter the odds, my strength to fight for myself, to pick myself up and peice myself back together. I will never let someone’s stupidity and their mistakes make me question myself ever again.

People can say whatever they please about me, it means nothing to me, they can keep their whispers and their pity, because I am strong and if I can get back up from that, I can handle anything. I AM NOT AFRAID. Life is not always painless, but it can be so beautiful, you just have to push past the bad and put in the work. I could sit around and mope and feel sorry for myself about alot of things OR I could stand tall and fight for myself, for my dreams and wants…I choose the latter. Circumstances DO NOT DEFINE you, only you define you, your life and your legacy are yours to paint, do not be afraid, and when life knocks you down, because it will, you remember this… it doesn’t matter how long it takes you, all that matters is that you get back up. AND YOU CAN.