I look out this window watching…
As time and life go by.
Hour by hour,
Day by day.
Who am I,
I wonder silently.
I am missing life.
I miss waking up and feeling like each day is mine to live.
Am I depressed or stagnant?
I think It’s time for change.
I take things in stride, but continuously unresolved issues eat at me. I am at a stand still and I am unsure, I don’t like uncertainty. I really need to think hard and make sure I use wisdom. What is the right decision. Am I over thinking things. Ugh. My mind and stresses are brewing up a blend of overwhelming. I need a reprieve from my own crowded head.
I feel the ache rising up in me. I miss him. He will be one soon…..God how time flies. I feel healed and then the slightest thing pulls and reminds me of the hole his absence has left behind.
Mothers are not made to have to live without their babies, then I remind myself this was my choice, for him. I am going to see him soon, hopefully, the very thought fills me with such joy, but yet such agonizing pain.
This kind of pain isn’t the kind you share, people get upset and uncomfortable by it. Life isn’t black and white, it’s the different shades that leave us in different places. How are any of us to judge another for their life or actions? Unless you have lived their life, you simply cannot, not unbiasedly. If I saw a woman running through the street naked, I would have judgemental thoughts, but if I found out she had just been raped and was escaping her attacker it would fit and make sense….do you see what I am saying? Don’t paint a picture when you don’t even know what the scenario looks like. Stop being judgemental and trying to see things through the way you would handle it, take off your rose colored glasses and open your eyes, see the whole picture.
A cruel beast,
But only one remains.
She tries not to love him,
To hold back,
She still feels the same.
If you look close enough,
Etched in her heart,
is his name.
As a lady in general, and being curvaceous makes it worse, I have noticed men stare at me. Not only do they stare, sometimes they whistle and on occasion they bark….yes you heard me right. Today a man barked at me.
I got out of the car today to get my new phone set up and saw two gentlemen, or so I thought, staring at me. I, of course, was NOT impressed by their crude comments or trashy demeanor, but then one of them barked and I was disgusted and a little confused as to why he thought I would be interested. MEN DISGUST ME. Maybe treat a lady like a lady? Or do us both a favor and don’t speak to me at all, don’t acknowledge my presence and, for the sake of your dignity, do not bark at me….. class dismissed.
It wasn’t all bad but it got there pretty fast. I am so tired of people and their judgements and rude comments and flat out lies. I am not perfect, even I can admit that, but I am a good person and if you have my love that means for life, through good and bad, hard or easy, you can call me at 4am when you get a flat and I will be there.
Open your eyes. You can say what you please about me but have the balls to not be full of shit and to not cause people hurt to make yourself feel better. You are weak and PATHETIC.
In less than an hour I will be twenty three years old. My youth is fading fast….