Category Archives: desire

Smoldering flames

Flicker and Fade,

It isn’t supposed to be this way. 

Back and forth,

blown out torch.

Reignite,

Dissipate.

Love,

Then hate.

Many mistakes,

Repeated promise of change.

Time to re-evaluate .

Smoldering flames,

Dare to try again?

Some fires can’t ever be truly tamed.

Small town girl

I spent my childhood with my head in the clouds and imagination running wild, dreaming up my future, so big so bright and so ambitious. You see I grew up very  poor and in a small town, (both meaning) people treated me like my future was set in stone, I would be a trailer park baby making hillbilly, who maybe had a part time job as a waitress once the children were in school, I ALWAYS wanted more.

Beauty was my curse, means more men chased me then I cared to deal with, wanting to make me their barefoot and pregnant housewife. In a small town your future is hard to rewrite, practically set in stone, women marry their high school sweethearts and have their babies and lower their ambitions and slowly let their dreams slip away without even realizing. That my friends is not living, that is merely existing….not my style.

I am twenty-three, never married, with a three year old daughter and the most sarcastic attitude and opinionated personality, I am a pistol, loud, eye catching and deadly if not handled properly.

Sometimes we get so caught up in life we forget our childhood fervor, our dreams…..I for one refuse to live a menial life. I will be a wife and a mother and unfortunately growing older has forced itself on me like a drunk man at a bar, but I will follow my heart and my dreams wherever they lead. I am not afraid of what tomorrow brings. This small town girl isn’t what she seems, nor what anyone thought she would be. Here’s to dreams! Never lose them and never settle. Cheers.

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Prince Charming

As did most women, I fell into the trap of believing some buff, smooth talking stud was going to ride up (in a suit )on a Harley, and take me for the ride of my life called love. Ha. NOPE. Turns out I like nerdy awkward guys anyways…..the ones you can watch Star Wars or The Avengers with, ya know, the ones who realizes that sometimes you just want to wear a batman shirt and panties ALL day Saturday (Don’t judge me).

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Well I ended up pushing away and hurting a lot of good (really mostly crappy guys), BUT before you mark me down as a man slaying bitch just know….they just weren’t IT. I simply do not believe in settling, even when everyone around me said I should, being proposed to twice and not just being overcome by “woman instincts” and screaming yes  without even thinking somehow makes everyone act like you are hard to please or being picky…..REALITY CHECK: I just knew those men were not the man to take my breath away or adoringly love me. When you ask a man why he loves you and he responds “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen”……you kind of piece together the fact that he is a shallow D bag, you can quote me on that actually, and you are an idiot for dating him. Come on! What about my kick ass personality dummy? Anyways…. let’s move forward.

I have gone through a lot this past year and have handled my love life, and inevitably i’m sure a few other things as well, poorly to say the least, BUT even though things are in a strangeish place I am telling women(and men too) now DO NOT SETTLE, no matter how long you have been dating or how nice they are NEITHER OF THOSE MATTER when it comes to true happiness, those do not compare to being in love (finding your soulmate if you will)….that goes beyond comparison. It is not just the hopeless romantic hidden deep within me that SOMEHOW always finds it’s way out no matter how deep I bury her! I will never give up on him. My prince charming and I will live happily ever after and we may just drive off on that Harley into the sunset! You never know. :]

 

Goodbye Momma

A few days ago I said goodbye to my mother as she moved back to New Zealand. My heart was sore at her for being so selfish and I was quite mad, but no matter how I felt she still went.

She will not be here for my daughters first day of school, my wedding, my birthday, or to see my first house, or the birth of my children. The truth is, hidden deep within my anger, is pure hurt. Once again she put a man before her children. My heart cracked when I picked my three year old up from her father’s and she stated “I miss Nona” after she asked where Nona was and I had to tell her “She lives far far away now baby, and she went home”.

It is her life and I want her to be happy, but seeing her go to be with a man who is physically abusive to her is quite hard. It broke my heart. Deep deep down I am terrified the next time I will see her is when she’s being put in the ground, for that mother fuckers sake I hope not.

In the end I love my mother, she has not always been there for me, but she gave me life. We fight more than anything else, but I will miss her terribly. It is so hard to watch someone make such a huge mistake and to know it may cost them their life. I love you Momma, please be careful.

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(My sister, my mother and I)

Him

I saw him today….It was harder than I thought it would be, to be honest, BUT I can feel the healing inside of me. He is so beautiful and sweet and I am grateful to see him with such a loving family.

My heart still aches for him but I know he is EXACTLY where he belongs and even though it is hard to see the good in all this, feeling those little hands on mine reminds me that even though this whole thing has been a nightmare (and nothing short of that), a beautiful little miracle has brought so much joy to so many people.

He is not my son, I am finally coming to grips with that, he was made and at first I thought it would tear me apart but instead it has made me stronger. I really didn’t think I could make it through all of this, but I am so blessed to have a supportive select few and God and I simply do not care what judgement anyone else has…. I am strong and I think that in time I am going to be okay.

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Complacency or Success

It’s one or the other.Poisoning the lives of many, day by day. Life is too short (don’t roll your eyes, as cliche as it is it happens to be true) to live a life full of complacency. We get stuck living our menial lives and forget to chase after our dreams! Achieving them isn’t the best part, sometimes it’s the journey, the people we meet and lessons we learn along the way. Nothing more satisfying than progress! Better than letting your dreams collect dust or worse shrivel up and die, you have to keep feeding them for a chance at success! Live your life with passion and never forget the moments, people and things that push you!

Do you think an acorn ever dreamed it would be a mighty oak? OF COURSE NOT but no one ever taught it how to doubt it’s self. It takes a very long time, all good things do (think about it), but the end result is beautiful and breath taking! If your dreams don’t scare you, they simply are not big enough.

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