I feel the ache rising up in me. I miss him. He will be one soon…..God how time flies. I feel healed and then the slightest thing pulls and reminds me of the hole his absence has left behind.
Mothers are not made to have to live without their babies, then I remind myself this was my choice, for him. I am going to see him soon, hopefully, the very thought fills me with such joy, but yet such agonizing pain.
This kind of pain isn’t the kind you share, people get upset and uncomfortable by it. Life isn’t black and white, it’s the different shades that leave us in different places. How are any of us to judge another for their life or actions? Unless you have lived their life, you simply cannot, not unbiasedly. If I saw a woman running through the street naked, I would have judgemental thoughts, but if I found out she had just been raped and was escaping her attacker it would fit and make sense….do you see what I am saying? Don’t paint a picture when you don’t even know what the scenario looks like. Stop being judgemental and trying to see things through the way you would handle it, take off your rose colored glasses and open your eyes, see the whole picture.
I saw him today….It was harder than I thought it would be, to be honest, BUT I can feel the healing inside of me. He is so beautiful and sweet and I am grateful to see him with such a loving family.
My heart still aches for him but I know he is EXACTLY where he belongs and even though it is hard to see the good in all this, feeling those little hands on mine reminds me that even though this whole thing has been a nightmare (and nothing short of that), a beautiful little miracle has brought so much joy to so many people.
He is not my son, I am finally coming to grips with that, he was made and at first I thought it would tear me apart but instead it has made me stronger. I really didn’t think I could make it through all of this, but I am so blessed to have a supportive select few and God and I simply do not care what judgement anyone else has…. I am strong and I think that in time I am going to be okay.
Well…writing has always been my outlet, even before I actually let people read it.The difficulty of this past year, all the pain, really is why I started this blog (My decision, to give the baby I carried up for adoption). This last year has been…. one of the hardest years of my life, it really has, so much pain and then loss, many obstacles to overcome. Writing has been such a comfort to me and a coping mechanism. To be honest I felt so lost for quite awhile, but I found myself again in my writing, found a way to feel but release all that bottled up pain. Really my writing has given me back my purpose. I hope you guys have enjoyed reading and journing through this emotional experience with me. No matter what caused me to start blogging again, I am so glad I did. Taking life day by day, learning to stop and smell the roses again.
I have never known a pain like this,
your loss left me filled with emptiness.
My heart begs to hold you,
remembering every word I never told you.
You don’t remember me,
but my heart won’t let me strike you from my memory.
Just the thought of you,
makes it hard for me to breathe.
“You know who” he said and all of a sudden the realization hit me there’s only one persons name no one dares to speak to me. Only one. He who shall not be named. He is not a bad person nor has he ever wronged me, But his name causes me great pain. You see it reminds me of the darkness waiting….waiting for me to fall so it can catch me at a moment of weakness to confuse and consume me, just his name brings me to that place.
I fight his memories, I fight the happiness and sadness that comes creeping up hand in hand to torment me. His smile, I have never seen it yet i see it every night in my dreams, I long for his touch, for his love….for him….. I LOVED HIM. People act like I must not but God I love him, the ache his absence has left is a nagging at my soul. I barely knew him but yet I knew him best…..I shaped his tiny perfect body inside my own. It’s funny because the same decision that brought me to this dark place is what brought and continues to bring him the greatest joy and happiness. It’s so bittersweet. But in the end if you TRULY love someone their happiness is all that matters. And I love you James. One day I hope you see it for what it was LOVE, because I never stopped loving you….not for one single minute and as my heart aches and threatens to be my undoing…. I think of you.
I loved him from the very first moment I saw him on that screen, in the doctors office, so tiny and dependent on me and we bonded over late sleepless nights filled with taco bell and whataburger. Every kick felt like precious stolen moments between he and I. I was so sick in the beginning and being pregnant is hard enough, but having a baby with a man you aren’t dating let alone married to makes the journey that much harder. Sometimes I felt so alone but then I realized I had the greatest gift growing inside of me.
Finally it came, I awoke to my underwear soaked and it was game time…and i was terrified. The entire ride to the hospital i felt so afraid of the next few hours not just the pain but the loss and i understand the birth of your child is not viewed like this but you see…he was different….he wasn’t mine. I actually have an almost three year old daughter and I saw her disappointment when her daddy didn’t call, when we would try to hide the fighting and when i alone held her as she cried for him. I didn’t want my son to hurt so through a heartbreaking search i found the perfect mother, a woman from my own past in fact. As a teenager whose life was so very far from normal, I had seen what great parents she and her loving husband were, I had spent many a night wishing they were MY parents but little did i know the irony that was later to be found in that.
Back to the present though (Remember it was game time ALL SYSTEMS GO!). The labor was, surprisingly, the easiest part. She was there with me supporting me, as she always has before, despite my many disappointing choices, and as she comforted me I knew my son would never be alone, never hurt like i did as a child, never feel the pain of a broken home and a broken life and that, from that moment to this has been what keeps me from sinking into the depths of the darkest waters. I was so scared to hold him, scared i would never be able to let go, never be able to live without him. And as i got in my car to go home from the hospital, I felt that pull, that pain trying to draw me back to him, my womb was empty and in that moment it felt like so was I. When i see him it’s still joy tinged with pain, there’s NEVER a moment that’s not bittersweet, but HE IS HAPPY (I find comfort in that) and in the end that’s what counts. I will never forget him and i don’t think it will ever not hurt but every day I find myself again little by little and in time I will be able to look past my own grief and fill that place with his joy and by God’s grace I think i’m gonna make it.
If you read this thank you for listening and I hope it changed your view on adoption as it did mine, it is not selfish as i always thought but instead…It is beautiful.