He who shall not be named.

“You know who” he said and all of a sudden the realization hit me there’s only one persons name no one dares to speak to me. Only one. He who shall not be named. He is not a bad person nor has he ever wronged me, But his name causes me great pain. You see it reminds me of the darkness waiting….waiting for me to fall so it can catch me at a moment of weakness to confuse and consume me, just his name brings me to that place.

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I fight his memories, I fight the happiness and sadness that comes creeping up hand in hand to torment me. His smile, I have never seen it yet i see it every night in my dreams, I long for his touch, for his love….for him….. I LOVED HIM. People act like I must not but God I love him, the ache his absence has left is a nagging at my soul. I barely knew him but yet I knew him best…..I shaped his tiny perfect body inside my own. It’s funny because the same decision that brought me to this dark place is what brought and continues to bring him the greatest joy and happiness. It’s so bittersweet. But in the end if you TRULY love someone their happiness is all that matters. And I love you James. One day I hope you see it for what it was LOVE, because I never stopped loving you….not for one single minute and as my heart aches and threatens to be my undoing…. I think of you.

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