The beauty in goodbye.

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I loved him from the very first moment I saw him on that screen, in the doctors office, so tiny and dependent on me and we bonded over late sleepless nights filled with taco bell and whataburger. Every kick felt like precious stolen moments between he and I. I was so sick in the beginning and being pregnant is hard enough, but having a baby with a man you aren’t dating let alone married to makes the journey that much harder. Sometimes I felt so alone but then I realized I had the greatest gift growing inside of me.

Finally it came, I awoke to my underwear soaked and it was game time…and i was terrified. The entire ride to the hospital i felt so afraid of the next few hours not just the pain but the loss and i understand the birth of your child is not viewed like this but you see…he was different….he wasn’t mine. I actually have an almost three year old daughter and I saw her disappointment when her daddy didn’t call, when we would try to hide the fighting and when i alone held her as she cried for him. I didn’t want my son to hurt so through a heartbreaking search i found the perfect mother, a woman from my own past in fact. As a teenager whose life was so very far from normal, I had seen what great parents she and her loving husband were, I had spent many a night wishing they were MY parents but little did i know the irony that was later to be found in that.

Back to the present though (Remember it was game time ALL SYSTEMS GO!). The labor was, surprisingly, the easiest part. She was there with me supporting me, as she always has before, despite my many disappointing choices, and as she comforted me I knew my son would never be alone, never hurt like i did as a child, never feel the pain of a broken home and a broken life and that, from that moment to this has been what keeps me from sinking into the depths of the darkest waters. I was so scared to hold him, scared i would never be able to let go, never be able to live without him. And as i got in my car to go home from the hospital, I felt that pull, that pain trying to draw me back to him, my womb was empty and in that moment it felt like so was I. When i see him it’s still joy tinged with pain, there’s NEVER a moment that’s not bittersweet, but HE IS HAPPY (I find comfort in that) and in the end that’s what counts. I will never forget him and i don’t think it will ever not hurt but every day I find myself again little by little and in time  I will be able to look past my own grief and fill that place with his joy and by God’s grace I think i’m gonna make it.

 

 

If you read this thank you for listening and I hope it changed your view on adoption as it did mine, it is not selfish as i always thought but instead…It is beautiful.

 

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12 thoughts on “The beauty in goodbye.

  1. A very heartfelt and emotional piece of work, and a great glimpse into a bitter sweet moment in your life. Everything happens for a reason. His happiness with his new family hopefully eases the pain of the sacrifice you made for all of them. You’re a good person, and a strong one too

  2. I love you bethy. You have always been a strong person. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story! You are amazing💋💙💜

  3. Wow. You have to be the strongest woman I know… I can’t say I would’ve had the guys to face what you did, but I feel you made the best decision for your child and for that I honor you. My heart grieves to hear of your pain and rejoices at your obedience to The Lord. What a powerful testimony you now have to share with other young women who are in search for answers. Thank you for sharing.

  4. Bethany, this is beautiful. I have always loved you and I know you went through some hard things growing up. I am your mom and love being your mom. I know it would have been nice to have a mom and dad growing up but that was not my choice to not give you that. I am so thankful to have been apart of your life and I know the Lord is going to restore all that has been lost and stolen from your childhood because of a single act of selfishness and devilish behavior of another. I gave you all I had and had to trust the Lord with the rest.

    The Lord told me when you were less than 1 years old you would be an intercessor. As I was riding in the car to take you to a doctors visit (just you and I in the car) I began to pray over you and you were about 6 or 7 months you were making this sound in your carseat like you were praying with me. Then also remember when you were about 5 months old me and your grandmother heard you singing with me as I was practicing with my performance worship tracks. Then, two days after that Kim Clement gave a word that you would sing and bring healing to nations. You still have yet to do that.

    The Lord has much in store for your life and James will benefit from the Song of the Lord that God heals you with and puts in your heart. You have an awesome future. I know in my lowest times is when God puts His arms around me to embrace me. You are a warrior my dear. Just like your great grandmother Flora Ella Douglas, your grandmother Rose Marie Douglas Dawkins and just like your mother…Debbie Dawkins Cavanagh. I love you so much and just like I have always told you. You take how much you love Addison and James and add 23 years worth of love to that and you might understand. I will always be behind you and encourage you my dear. No matter where I am. There is nothing can take the mother daughter bond away. My precious beautiful daughter. Don’t look back press on and forward to the High Call that is on your life. Blessings my dear.

  5. Thank you everyone I appreciate your sweet words. And this post is about my journey so no one but his mother and I were mentioned. So taking offense is pointless and selfish. Here’s my story.

  6. Wow.. I honest to God didn’t expect to read anything like this but thank you for allowing me such a personal and emotional glimpse of this experience in your life. You Bethany are one hell of a strong person.. Why? Because that little boy was meant to come into this world no matter how he was conceived and with whom God had a plan for him before the beginning of his life. Then you so beautifully and selflessly gave him the very best you had to offer him in life under your circumstances and although I’m sure it was one of (if not the) thougest things you’ve ever had to do in life. You gave your son a gift that I’m sure he will be able to thank you for someday. The truest form of love… Being 100% selfless and putting him before any thing you may have felt. That’s what a true mother is all about.

  7. My heart is filled with joy reading honest words. Tears of sadness, yet proudness I get to be apart of this miracle. The women you speak of has been a mother to me from day one. She & my brother took my sister & I in at 16 & 13. In between all the harsh words I threw at them & hatefulness, they still loved & supported me. Never gave up on me. Endless love only God could give. Lord knows their patience for me came from him alone! Ha Your such an inspiration to me. Love you always!! xoxo

  8. As I sit here with tears streaming down my face, I wonder why the right thing is so often the hardest thing. I wondered in the beginning if you were making the right choice. I was concerned it was a decision made out of pain or despair. I love you so much that I was torn. I wanted to raise James but I did not want you NOT to raise him. I have observed first hand the faithful, loving mother you are for Addison. As the last 3 and a half months have passed, I can now say James is where God had destined for him to be. I do not understand why God did not simply put him in my womb. Wouldn’t that have been easier for all of us? The truth is we do not really know why God orders things in a certain way but I do know His ways and thoughts are so much higher than mine. In our lives and in James’ life you are spoken of like the hero you are.
    He is a very happy little boy, which proves how you felt about him while you carried him. Research shows that babies who are unloved and unwanted in the womb are fussy miserable babies and continue that pattern throughout life. He is at perfect peace. Thank you for loving him so completely. Thank you for growing him healthy and strong. Thank you for denying yourself and obeying God. I love you!!!!

  9. I have spent so many moments balling my eyes out feeling like the most selfish person in the world for being happy that I was rocking him to sleep. I am forever grateful to you for obeying the voice of God… I couldn’t have done what you did. You are talked about often, and he is going to be just as in love with his Bethy as we are! I admire your rawness and vulnerability. You are amazing. I could not imagine our family without that little boy, but it also breaks my heart. I love you Bethany! More than you will ever know.

  10. This was so awesome! Thank you so much for writing this. It takes courage to step out of your comfort zone and bare the tender places of your heart. I believe when your truly walking in Gods love you lay down yourself for others…..and that’s how people are reached. This is reaching people and many will be set free from guilt or narrow minded judge mental thinking. Thanks for being brave my friend. Your story is making a difference and has inspired me to write about my girls as well. Love you, keep staying real:D

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