I loved him from the very first moment I saw him on that screen, in the doctors office, so tiny and dependent on me and we bonded over late sleepless nights filled with taco bell and whataburger. Every kick felt like precious stolen moments between he and I. I was so sick in the beginning and being pregnant is hard enough, but having a baby with a man you aren’t dating let alone married to makes the journey that much harder. Sometimes I felt so alone but then I realized I had the greatest gift growing inside of me.
Finally it came, I awoke to my underwear soaked and it was game time…and i was terrified. The entire ride to the hospital i felt so afraid of the next few hours not just the pain but the loss and i understand the birth of your child is not viewed like this but you see…he was different….he wasn’t mine. I actually have an almost three year old daughter and I saw her disappointment when her daddy didn’t call, when we would try to hide the fighting and when i alone held her as she cried for him. I didn’t want my son to hurt so through a heartbreaking search i found the perfect mother, a woman from my own past in fact. As a teenager whose life was so very far from normal, I had seen what great parents she and her loving husband were, I had spent many a night wishing they were MY parents but little did i know the irony that was later to be found in that.
Back to the present though (Remember it was game time ALL SYSTEMS GO!). The labor was, surprisingly, the easiest part. She was there with me supporting me, as she always has before, despite my many disappointing choices, and as she comforted me I knew my son would never be alone, never hurt like i did as a child, never feel the pain of a broken home and a broken life and that, from that moment to this has been what keeps me from sinking into the depths of the darkest waters. I was so scared to hold him, scared i would never be able to let go, never be able to live without him. And as i got in my car to go home from the hospital, I felt that pull, that pain trying to draw me back to him, my womb was empty and in that moment it felt like so was I. When i see him it’s still joy tinged with pain, there’s NEVER a moment that’s not bittersweet, but HE IS HAPPY (I find comfort in that) and in the end that’s what counts. I will never forget him and i don’t think it will ever not hurt but every day I find myself again little by little and in time I will be able to look past my own grief and fill that place with his joy and by God’s grace I think i’m gonna make it.
If you read this thank you for listening and I hope it changed your view on adoption as it did mine, it is not selfish as i always thought but instead…It is beautiful.